Rude Awakening

6/23/07

Yesterday, Romi informed me that she was taking the girls and I along with some other friends to a volcano in the morning. So that night I, wanting to be as prepared as possible, gathered and calibrated all of my volcanic exploration equipment which, after hours of contemplation, I had decided to bring to Japan just in case such an occasion arose. My equipment included one magma collection kit, three extreme temperature gauges, one lava-proof volcano suit with matching boots, and seven flame retardant notepads. After checking and rechecking my tools, I went to bed with great anticipation, dreaming of the grand adventures the morrow had in store.

I awoke early in the morning and as is the custom with pre-volcano breakfasts, I prepared a feast of the finest pancakes known to man. Personally, I believe a pancake is best enjoyed in a minimalist fashion, maple syrup being the only topping needed. However, the girls felt it necessary to don their flapjacks with an assortment of fruits, jams, jellies, the butter of peanuts, and even chopped chocolate chips. Now, normally I would not have allowed such ostentatious extravagance, but I was in an especially convivial disposition so I decided to let it slide. After filling our tummies with all of the yummy goodness, we set out for the volcano.

We traveled for approximately 45 minutes and upon stopping, I stepped out of the car astonished that the Takahashi’s lived so close to such a deadly force of nature. I was even more bamboozled when I looked to my right and saw hundreds of people loitering around the base of the volcano. My eyes got even wider and my jaw even closer to the ground when I noticed that most of the people were dressed casually, with not even a hint of protective gear. I guess I assumed that a person of average intelligence would know that volcanoes tend to be very hot especially erupting volcanoes, which have a nasty habit of spewing molten rock thousands of feet into the air in every direction. To tell you the truth, I almost passed out right then and there. I quickly slipped into my volcano suit, grabbed three notepads and sprinted up the wooden walkway to the mouth of the volcano. After tediously navigating my way through a gaggle of senior citizens all wearing identical “Erupting Into My Eighties: Japan Volcano Tour 2007” t-shirts, I finally reached the summit. I looked down into the center of the volcano and my heart did a nosedive down into the very depths of my matching left boot. And it wasn’t just the heel part of the boot it was the toe part. I looked up and down, across and around and there wasn’t one single speck of lava or magma. Not even a small brush fire. No charred trees scattered about. No signs of any volcanic activity in the least. I removed my right glove placing my hand on the ground. It wasn’t even warm, in fact it was a little on the cool side. For the next two hours I did several onsite tests, which led me to the conclusion that this particular volcano was a “dormant” volcano, whatever that means. Whoever heard of a “dormant” volcano? If you ask me, “dormant” is just a fancy way of saying, “mountain with a dip in the center.” The whole thing was a little embarrassing. I had to spend the rest of the day walking around in my volcano suit, which has to be one of the loudest pieces of outerwear ever since it’s made of a tinfoil-like material. Every time I took a step the sound waves generated from my suit echoed off the volcano’s walls creating innumerable rock slides and earaches.

Later, the girls caught up with me and we had lunch and walked around the rim of the “volcano.” I threw/kicked several rocks down into the center and it turned out to be pretty enjoyable. On the way home, we even saw a monkey sitting on the guardrail so we stopped and chatted for a while. Apparently, he works for some big consulting firm just outside Tokyo. He told me that he and his family were also disappointed at the lack of lava near the volcano but finding a banana tree on the side of the road had revived their spirits. At the end of the conversation we exchanged e-mail addresses and promised to write but we all know how that goes.